“Why are we like this?”: The Core Wound of the Unidentified Autistic Family
For many late-identified autistic people, the process of self-understanding begins long before formal diagnosis—if we even seek that out at all. It starts in the quiet moments of dissonance—when our internal world doesn’t quite match what’s expected of us. For some, that realization unfolds gradually. For others, it arrives in a flash, often in adulthood, prompted by a child’s diagnosis, a career shift, or a moment of burnout that forces everything into view. But while the individual journey is important, there’s another layer that often goes unnamed: the patterns that live in our families.
In my work and personal experience, I’ve come to recognize a recurring structure I now refer to as the Unidentified Autistic Family System (UAFS). These are family systems where one or more members are autistic—diagnosed or undiagnosed—and where masking, misattunement, and relational ruptures have been passed down, generation after generation, without ever being named for what they are.
These families often look “functional” on the outside, but operate on silent rules that center performance, suppression of needs, compliance over self-expression, and survival over connection. Emotional needs may be minimized or intellectualized. Communication may feel misaligned, fragmented, or circular. Many family members experience chronic invalidation or walk on eggshells, trying to avoid setting off someone else’s dysregulation while hiding their own. These dynamics are frequently pathologized in isolation, or characterized solely as diagnoses like anxiety, depression, OCD, PTSD, or personality disorders—without ever addressing the shared, systemic roots.
I call the core injury of these systems Intergenerational Masking Trauma (IMT): in essence, the inherited, normalized practice of denying internal experience in order to belong. It is both a trauma response and a survival strategy, and without language for what’s happening, many families internalize these patterns as personal failures or unsolvable mysteries.
“Why are we like this?” becomes a question nobody can answer—and many are afraid to ask.
But I believe we can answer it—and I believe that doing so is powerful.
Through my emerging Unidentified Autistic Family Systems framework, I’m working to name these patterns, trace their origins, and offer alternative maps. I draw on systems, trauma, and attachement theories, the Neurodiversity Paradigm , narrative therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS), lived experience, clinical insight, and pattern recognition—not to label families, but to liberate them. This isn’t about blaming parents or pathologizing pain. It’s about understanding what was missing, what was misunderstood, and what might be possible when we start telling the truth.
We need a language for the unnamed. We need a framework that validates the real, layered experiences of neurodivergent families. We need more than tools for individuals—we need ways of seeing the system that shaped them.
This is the beginning of that work.
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Want to go deeper?
If this resonates with your experience—personally, professionally, or both—you’re not alone. I invite you to explore the rest of the Unmasked Lineage site, sign up for blog updates, or share this post with someone who might see themselves in it. Naming what’s been unnamed is the first step toward healing.
Follow along as I continue to develop the Unidentified Autistic Family Systems framework and create tools for families and clinicians alike. Your reflections, questions, and stories are welcome here.
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About the Author
Claire McCulley, LCSW (she/her), is a therapist, researcher, writer, and emerging theorist developing the Unidentified Autistic Family Systems (UAFS) framework. Drawing on lived experience, clinical practice, and systems thinking, she explores the intergenerational impacts of unrecognized neurodivergence, masking, misattunement, and collective trauma in neurodivergent families. Her work centers autistic and neurodivergent self-understanding, relational healing, and culturally-attuned theory that speaks to real-world patterns.